INQUIRER.net Eleksyon 2007

Calabasa and the counting

Inquirer

Manuel L. Quezon III

MANILA, Philippines -- Kapitan Calabasa gets a phone call.

“Ka, ke, ki, ko, ku!”

“What? Hello?”

“Ba, be, bi, bo, bu!”

“Hello? Hello? This is Kapitan Calabasa, who’s this? Crank calls are not allowed on the hotline! Whoever you are, this is a high-security hotline for important...”

“Calabasa!”

“Who the hell is this?”

“This is Secretary Sipsip!”

“Oh, Sir. What happened?”

“Sorry, Attorney was playing with the phone again, he hasn’t been well, you know.”

“Oh, that was him?”

“Yes. Anyway, pay attention. Assistant Secretary Apog and Undersecretary Uhaw are with me, we have a little problem.”

“How can I help, Sir?”

“Ma’am is upset because our plans got messed up by the intramurals in the Kapos and Laki coalition. Governor Guiguisain was with Laki, and so was Mayor Matacao, but Representative Garapal ended up with Kapos, and the long and short of it, no one was able to deliver.”

“Deliver what?”

“Don’t be stupid, Calabasa."

’Yung kwan…”

“’Yung ano?”

’Yung alam mo na!”

“Oh! That!”

“Anyway, Chairman Ayos is here with us, and he’ll explain more.”

“Hello, Chairman!”

“Yes? Hello, hello. Calabasa, we have a problem!”

“What is it, Sir?”

“My God, did you know, everyone thinks they’re a mathematician! Questioning everything! And I keep telling them, there’s plenty more to add up!”

“There are?”

“Plenty! Trillions! Billions! Maybe millions. Well, OK. Thousands. Hundreds, even! Dozens! Or something. I don’t know yet, but I know it’s plenty! At least, enough. Hopefully.”

“So what’s the problem, Sir?”

“What? Point is: It’s not over! It can change! Dramatically!”

“It can?”

“Yes!”

“How?”

“We’re figuring it out.”

“Chairman Ayos, I thought you’re in charge of the counting. So how can I help, again?”

“Ah. Yes. We need you to help project what I like to call the New Math™. Let me ask you. 1+1=?”

“2!”

“No! The correct answer is, it depends!”

“On what?”

“Where the 1’s are coming from!”

“Huh?”

“Say one 1 is from our bailiwick, and the other 1 is not. I will count our 1, but not their 1. I will say, look, here’s 1 for, oh, let’s invent the name of a candidate, say, Zooberry... and I won’t mention the other 1, for, say, oh, let’s call the candidate Pimple. What do we have?”

“1 for (tee hee) Zooberry!”

“Very good, you see, we don’t even mention Pimple, because 1+0=?”

“1! But what happened to the other 1?”

“Well, that’s our problem now. Pimple still has a 1, and Zooberry has a 1, so we need some more 1’s.”

“But I already gave you our 1’s. Where else are we going to get them, Sir?”

“I don’t know! But maybe, just maybe, we can do this. I can say your 1 just arrived, and so I can say it’s a special 1, it’s a heavy 1.”

“A heavy 1?”

“Yes, because Calabasa is a bailiwick of Madame.”

“Ah.”

“And I can keep ignoring the 1 for Pimple from the non-bailiwick.”

“And?”

“Well, hopefully they can harvest some other special 1’s from Barangays Bayad and Dayaan, which are also our bailiwicks. So 1+1+1=3 which is greater than the 1 we know the other side has. We’re having special you-know-what’s there as we speak.”

“But if we don’t find the 1’s?”

“We have a problem, because, of course, I haven’t mentioned the three dozen other barangays where the other side got all the 1’s. So it’s 3 for Zooberry and actually 14 for Pimple. But they’re relying on the Old Math. With our New Math™, our 3 is greater than their 14, because their 14 really means 4-1=3, and if we apply our patented stock market and currency equivalent differentials...”

“What are those?”

“The bonuses Madame’s people get, because of how fantastic she is!”

“Oh.”

“So if you add our differentials, it’s really 3+1+1= 5 to their 3!”

“That’s unreal, but amazing, if you don’t mind my saying so, Sir.”

“So that’s why we called you. If we can convince people our New Math™ is better, even if they got more, we can say they got less!”

“How did you figure this all out, Sir?”

“Oh, that’s a trade secret. Anyway, here’s Secretary Sipsip to give you the details.”

“Calabasa! Now that you understand the New Math™, everytime media approach you, we want you to say only two magic words. Repeat after me. ‘We will win!’”

“We will win!”

“Say it again!”

“We will win!”

“With feeling!”

“We will win!”

“Very good! And if anyone asks you why you’re so sure, you only have to answer with one word: ‘Because.’ Get it? So let’s practice. Say I’m a reporter. I will ask you questions. Ready? Kapitan, so far the counting’s neck and neck, what’s your comment?”

“We will win!”

“But Sir, there are allegations some areas favorable to your side are being counted first, and the other places, delayed?”

“We will win!”

“But sir, citizens’ groups say...”

“We will win!”

“But what’s your basis for saying...”

“Because!”

“Because what, Sir?”

“We will win!”

More Inquirer columns

Previous columns:
Ceasefire? – 5/24/07
Machinery gave up the ghost – 5/21/07
The verdict – 5/17/07
Alarming numbers – 5/14/07
Paying the piper – 5/10/07
Vote of confidence – 5/07/07
Political idealism – 5/03/07

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